My birthday was May 21 – and there’s just something about birthdays that makes me really reflective. As I reflect on another year of life, I always like to look back at what the Lord has done as I gaze ahead to what He’ll do next. Last year, it was my 30th, and a good friend encouraged me to lean into praying very specifically and expectantly for thirty things – specific things that I’d like Him to do in my heart, the lives of others, and the world at large. I wrote them out in a journal and have prayed consistently over them this year. As I think back on my journey of prayer this past year, I reflect on how there were days it was really tough to keep asking, to not grow weary, and to persevere in BELIEF…but the biggest takeaway of my “30 for 30” prayer journey hasn’t been just how He has answered so many in clear, tangible ways (and He has)..but how He has transformed ME and aligned my heart and will with His in the asking. One of the prayers I wrote out a year ago was, “Lord, help me find rest in the “just rightness” of how You designed me. Convince my heart that I’m enough…and that I’m not ‘too much’”. For most of my life, I battled with insecurity and believing that I needed PEOPLE to validate my worth. Through God’s work in my heart at re:generation (Watermark’s recovery ministry), I discovered that insecurity is really a close relative of pride – they’re two sides of the same coin. One side says, “I’m great! People should know that I’m great!” And the other side pleads, “I’m great, right? Do you think I’m great? Please…tell me I’m great.” God has graciously brought me so much freedom in this area over the past several years – in recognizing when I’m grasping for identity from people, in confessing insecurities to others and replacing lies with truth. But I found myself craving even MORE freedom. I wanted to battle even better, as a woman anchored in truth, steadfast against the enemy’s schemes and the deceit of my flesh. And as I continued to offer this prayer to the Lord, I found my eyes opened to a truth that transformed the way I was asking and WHAT I was asking for…and here’s how… In those moments of insecurity that would crop up, when my heart would demand answers to the questions of “Am I enough? Am I too much? Am I lovable? Am I worthy? Am I “getting it right?”…Perhaps you ask yourself the same questions, though they might look different: “Am I strong enough? Can I lead someone? Am I worth respect? Am I pretty? Am I smart enough? Can I be successful enough?” You name it. I would turn to Scripture to answer my insecurities and remind myself how God sees me, how I’m made in His image, and how I’m wired uniquely and for a purpose. And while these truths are GOOD and RIGHT, my eyes were opened to a perspective shift that needed to occur in my heart. Many of you are familiar with Psalm 139 and the beautiful claim that we are fearfully and wonderfully made…but that truth, just like any other truth in God’s word, can’t be looked at apart from the gospel. You see, my insecurities had me asking the wrong questions. Am I enough? Am I worthy? The gospel answers those questions with a clear, firm, “NO.” Isn’t this devo encouraging?? But that’s not where the Gospel ends. The Bible is clear that we could NEVER be enough. Romans 3:23 declares that we all fall short of the glory of God, and although this is true, what is also beautifully true is that even in our striving & efforts, in the midst of our longings to be chosen, wanted, and important, in the midst of our falling short – God sent Jesus to be ENOUGH in our place. 1 Corinthians 5:21 says that “for our sake He made Him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in Him, we might become the righteousness of God.” Even though, for years I had understood this truth as it related to salvation, I finally had that lightbulb moment that changed my prayer. I was asking the wrong question. Instead of wondering if I was enough, I needed to be asking if HE was enough. The answer to that question will ALWAYS be a resounding YES, a million times over. I realized that I needed to be begging Him to let me see HIS character and HIS glory…and in doing that, I’d see my identity as SECURE and see walking in surrender as JOY. I began to, instead, pray Psalm 27:4 --- One thing have I asked of the Lord, I realized that looking at WHO He is would be the ONLY place I’d find security, identity, and rest. I didn’t need to be convinced of MY worth; I needed to be REMINDED of HIS worth and glory…to gaze at His character – that He’s trustworthy, steadfast, unchanging, holy, gracious, just, kind, wise, and good...just to skim the surface. And somehow, in the midst of His character, He delights in pursuing me as His daughter. It’s incredible. He loves me, He chooses me, He wants me…because HE is gracious and good, because of HIS character, and because He sees Christ’s righteousness when He looks at me…not because I’m worthy, but because HE is. This unchanging truth offers me the freedom to REST from seeking approval, identity, love, or worth. It offers me freedom from striving. It frees me up to live boldy, passionately, and surrendered; standing firm in HIS strength. Because when I dwell on who He is and how much I’m loved by Him, my “task” is simple – to “cease striving and know that He is God.” –Psalm 46:10 Author, Ed Welch, puts it like this: “Hope will only grow in the ground of humility. So, as I continue to move forward, facing insecurity with truth, my prayer has changed – I now ask that I would decrease, so that He may increase. (John 3:30) When that is where my heart is anchored, I can flourish as His workmanship, created for good works that He prepared for me in advance. (Ephesians 2:10) I can love and serve others, instead of looking to them to be my hope or security…And I can honor and pursue God as worthy of the glory that is already His, secure in the fact that He was enough in my place and that He loves me COMPLETELY because of Jesus…and THAT, my friends, is the freedom He purchased…the freedom to pursue my GREATEST good, which is to be loved by Him, to love Him most and as a result, love my neighbor as myself.
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On April 30th, 2016, A Grandfather, A Father, and A Retired US Air Force Major Robert Morris Hifler passed away. He was my Grandfather of 92 years and reached a milestone of a 43 year anniversary with his lovely bride Chinh Li Hifler back on April 4th, 2016. Growing up when my dad wasn’t present in my life, my Grandpa took that role and took it proudly. He wasn’t a man of many words, but when Grandpa Robert spoke, it carried some weight and you listened. I credit my Grandparents with instilling me 2 characteristics: politeness and discipline. They always taught me with politeness, to treat others how you want to be treated, and with discipline to be consistent in whatever you do. There a few things that I’ll always remember about my Grandpa: He loved my Grandma like Christ loved the church, he loved our family and took my Grandma out of Vietnam during the fall, he loved his country and served in many operations during WWII and Vietnam, he loved racing cars, and finally he loved Judge Judy weekdays at 4 pm. He had a crush on her because she has a no nonsense personality, similar to his. In the Air Force and other branches of the US military, the word “Spun Up” is a distinctive jargon used. It is defined as someone one who is familiar with the situation or the action of getting someone caught up with the latest information. My Grandpa did this well with our family and loved us so we could be spun up out of a communist country. We landed on the home of the brave where freedoms and opportunities are present through God’s blessing of America. When I started to obey and trust the Lord in my walk with Jesus years ago, God put my Grandfather in my heart to relay the latest information called The Gospel. My Grandpa didn’t talk about God or faith to me growing up. Based on some previous conversations I sense his background was distorted where he looked at faith as being religious, manmade traditions, and performance based where everything you do had to be justified. Before my Grandfather passed, we used to write each other letters or pen pal each other. We also talked on the phone but Grandpa was hard of hearing so I would write letters to him to read and I thought this would be an opportunity to share Jesus with him. Below is an excerpt of the last letter I wrote to him back on January 28, 2015. Also this excerpt is where I share my faith and hope for him. "To my Greatest Grand Parents! Hours before my Grandpa passed, God gave me the pleasure to sit next to his bedside. While he laid there in a weary state, you could tell he could pass any day now. As several of you, family, and people in our community prayed over him and his well being, a lot of us prayed that God would soften his heart and open his ears to hear and receive the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I shared that with him before he passed. Unfortunately, I don’t get to know at this point where my Grandfather's eternity lies. Even though this can tug at my heart and sometimes the enemy will use that to question my faithfulness to my family, I can stand firm and know that God is GOOD, and can find rest in Him alone during this time as our family processes and grieves. I will choose and will continue to believe that what I didn’t get to see then or today, God has made things beautiful beyond what I can imagine and greater for His Kingdom. As in the Lord’s prayer says may His will be done…and that He give us our daily bread. Closing Prayer: Psalm 23 |
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